Attachment Styles Within Friendships

At this point, most of us have heard about attachment styles. It’s become a sort of prerequisite of how to view our partners or potential partners within our romantic relationships. Oftentimes, understanding interpersonal styles stops at romantic relationships, but attachment theory isn’t unique to romantic relationships, how we connect to others can show up in our friendships as well.

Our friendships are often some of the longest and most rewarding relationships we have in life so it can be incredibly helpful to take a look at how our friendships may be impacted by our own attachment styles.

Before we jump into each individual style, let’s start with a quick recap of the four major attachment styles. According to attachment theory, we distinguish between secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful (also called disorganized) attachment.

Each style represents a certain type of behavior that you might exhibit while trying to form emotional bonds with family members, loved ones, or friends.

Source: https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

1) Secure attachment in friendships

Secure friends see themselves as well as others in a positive light. They are comfortable in situations in which they are asked to be emotionally intimate with their friends but also feel completely okay when they are on their own and independent.

While they are capable of showing compassion and empathy in the face of a friend’s distress, they also have no problem prioritizing their own needs and respecting their own boundaries (or those of a friend) when necessary.

So, how do you know if you or one of your friends is securely attached?

When a friend of yours doesn’t text you back for 2 weeks, do you assume that they must have a lot going on and they’ll get back to you when things calm down? If things are crazy at work or one of your family members gets sick, do you feel comfortable enough to be honest with your friend and say that you need to prioritize whatever is going on over the friendship? But equally, can you sit down with your friends, be real about your struggles and lean on them for help and support in a moment of need?

If so, those are great indicators that you might be in a securely attached friendship!

2) Anxious attachment in friendships

Anxious friends tend to see others in a positive light while having a negative image of themselves (this can often be unconscious). They consistently seek reassurance, acceptance, and validation from those around them in an attempt to cope with their negative attitude towards themselves or a fear of being alone, or without the friendship.

In friendships, people with this kind of attachment style are often described as “needy”, “clingy” or “demanding”. They can feel soothed and comforted by emotional closeness but usually experience some level of emotional distress when a friend is being independent or putting up boundaries in their friendship.

What does an anxious friendship look like in practice?

Do you feel really uncomfortable, mad, or sad if a friend of yours doesn’t text you back within a few hours or days of you reaching out? Do you get jealous when you see a friend posting about something they did with another friend? Or do you constantly feel like your friends are only hanging out with you out of pity even though they really don’t like you that much? Or think that if they develop a new interest or hobby, they’ll eventually get bored with you and leave?

If you’ve answered yes to one or more of these questions, that might be an indicator that you tend to form anxious attachments.

3) Avoidant attachment in friendships

Avoidant friends have a positive model of themselves but tend to see others in a negative light. They are distrustful of situations where emotional vulnerability or closeness is required and thus lean towards being overly independent and self-reliant.

Individuals with avoidant attachments are often labeled as cold, emotionally unavailable, or tend to want to be by themselves more often than not. They may have their guard up and regularly lose out on or sabotage potential friendships that could have been a source of joy and meaning.

Wondering if there are signs that you might be avoidantly attached? Ask yourself this:

When you are dealing with a problem in your life, do you default to dealing with it on your own because you don’t feel comfortable with the idea of telling your friends? If a friend reaches out to you and wants to connect, do you automatically pull back and avoid any interactions? When a friend brings up that you are being distant, do you automatically jump to making assumptions on why they are wrong, being unreasonable, and asking for too much?

These can be good indicators that you might be dealing with an avoidant friendship style.

4) Fearful attachment in friendships

The fearful (or also disorganized) attachment style is characterized by a negative self-image as well as a negative image of others. Individuals with this type of attachment style tend to yearn for the approval and validation of others but at the same time also feel threatened or rejected by others.

In friendships, this often shows up as “hot and cold” behavior. Fearful friends might seek out the comfort that emotional intimacy can provide but then become afraid when they are forced to actually be vulnerable and therefore withdraw from the friendship. Other people can often get confused by such behavior and describe their friends as ones that constantly send “mixed signals”.

How can you recognize a fearful attachment in your own life?

Do you feel lonely and sad when you are spending time on your own but always turn people down when they text you to make plans? Do you often meet new people and feel super excited about finally having met ‘your people’, only to realize with time that they are just like everyone else and can’t be trusted?

If so, you may be dealing with a fearfully attached friendship.

Conclusion

Just as in any interpersonal relationship, the four attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful) can show up in our friendships in a variety of significant ways.

Understanding our own attachment styles or the attachment styles of our close friends can be a tremendously useful tool to help us deepen and improve our friendships with each other.

If you’re new to the idea of attachment theory or would like to learn more about how it might be affecting your life, please feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation or check out more of my free content on Instagram!

May 3rd, 2022