Attachment Theory and Relationships
Have you ever wondered how some people seem to have effortless, healthy relationships while others struggle to connect? Attachment theory might hold the key to understanding why we form the relationships we do - it sort of helps us connect the dots. In this blog post, we'll explore attachment theory, attachment styles, and how our styles influence our behavior, emotions, and thoughts in intimate relationships.
So, what exactly is Attachment Theory and how does it inform our relationships?
Attachment theory was developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby who suggested that our early experiences with our primary caregivers shape our capacity to form and sustain relationships as adults.
As infants, our caregivers are our whole world, and how they respond to our needs during this time can greatly impact our emotional and social development. Attachment theory helps us understand how people initiate and maintain connections with others and how our early experiences with caregivers can create what Bowlby called “attachment styles” within us and later influence our adult relationships. Make sense? Now let's dig into attachment styles!
How might understanding your attachment style help you build more fulfilling and satisfying relationships in your life?
Understanding your attachment style is crucial for building healthy, fulfilling relationships. There are four main attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant.
We are more likely to establish a Secure attachment style if our carers are consistently attentive, caring, and attuned to our needs. Such early childhood experiences grow self-confidence in our character and interpersonal skills. We are able to successfully express our wants and feelings to our partners, and we have faith in their ability to be there for us when we need them - essentially we easily trust our partners. Individuals with this attachment style are comfortable with closeness and intimacy. In times of conflict, they are able to work with their partner to find a resolution. Having a secure attachment style is important for our overall well-being and for forming healthy relationships
Now, do you often feel insecure about your worthiness in relationships? Or become jealous or possessive in relationships? It might be because of your Anxious-preoccupied attachment style. This attachment type typically forms as a result of unpredictable parenting while the child is young. If a child's primary carer showed inconsistent attention and care, the child may learn to cling to them in an effort to receive regular care and attention. This then shows up in adult relationships as the individual consistently searches for a confirmation of love, at an almost insatiable rate. When confirmation is not received, the individual becomes worried, feels unloved, and can even feel worthless and unworthy of love. The need for consistent validation causes the individual to become clingy or overly dependent on their partner.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment style is one of the most common attachment styles, with approximately 20% of the population manifesting this pattern in their relationships!
The next style of attachment develops when a child’s primary caregivers are continuously insensitive to their emotional needs and are emotionally unavailable or dismissive of them. Because of this, they develop a lifelong protection mechanism, which leads them to separate themselves from their intimate partners and downplay the value of close connections. They often repress their feelings and separate themselves from others when situations become overwhelming or remind them of a time when their needs were met with neglect. While they could come across as self-sufficient and independent, they may really struggle with intimacy and emotional vulnerability. They may also be reluctant to turn to others for help or consolation. This type of attachment style is called Dismissive-avoidant.
The fourth and final attachment style is called the fearful-avoidant attachment style also known as disorganized attachment. Individuals with this attachment style frequently have mixed emotions with intimate connections. In reaction to carers who are both a source of comfort and a source of fear, this attachment pattern frequently emerges. They could need connection and closeness but also worry about being rejected or abandoned, which makes them avoid relationships or sabotage them completely. The abuse or neglect that children with this attachment style may endure at the hands of their carers may cause them to experience contradictory emotions toward attachment.
Is it possible to break free from these patterns of behavior and form more secure relationships?
My clients often ask, can attachment styles change? The answer is YES! Although early experiences do lay the groundwork for our attachment styles, they don't set them in stone. In fact, it's totally possible for people to reflect on how their early attachment experiences have affected their current relationships. Developing better communication skills, setting boundaries, and being emotionally resilient are a few ways to shift from an uncomfortable/unsettling attachment style to a secure one. Identifying your own attachment style and working to communicate your needs and emotions efficiently can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
March 8, 2022